September 6, 2023
im up late because of a GIRL
September 4, 2023
Tonight I felt a love. I truly believe in ambient music, when I make it
or perform it, I just feel right. Even the tape loop I made today had something special in it. Something nascent,
trying to find a place for itself in the world when it doesn't even understand itself. I'm excited to make more
loops. That Celer album is unbelievably beautiful, and it's making me reconsider by ban on reverb in my music.
When you are confronted with feelings of longing what can you do but put those into music?
August 15, 2023
When I was 14 years old I had a friend on kupika whose user name was fagg0try. She was 16 and lived in germany
and we talked a lot, especially in the summer before I started high school. I was in Arizona with my mom and was
so alone and depressed and talking to my internet friends was all I had. On July 12, 2012 she left and never logged
on again. She had such a beautiful, hopeful outlook on life. I remember that summer her mom or brother or someone was
having health problems and when she told me I didn't know how to react. I wanted to console my friend but I didn't know
what to say or how I could be of any help from across the globe. I longed to be there and cook for her or take her on a
hike or something. Maybe this is the first time I loved someone. When she left I was confused and distraught. I cried a lot.
When I started high school in the fall things changed, I was alone and had lost some innocent and hopeful part of myself. I
turned inwards and began a long period of solitude. That feeling came back with ___, I never realized until now how much
they reminded me of each other. I loved ___ the way I had always wanted to love fagg0try, complete with all of the hopeless
longing to be a better, more supportive force in their life. When ___ left I entered another long period of solitude. That
feeling hasn't returned since but I'm hopeful that it will. fagg0try, if you're out there, I guess you're 27 now. I hope you have
had a really good life in the past 11 years. I never once learned your real name or saw a photo of you but I will love you forever <3
June 28, 2023
I've been really missing my old 4chan friends. In some ways it may seem lonely only having friends online for a good part of my
teenage years but thinking about it now, it was much less solitary than my current condition. I always knew that if I turned my
computer on, I would have a dozen other rejects all waiting there to talk to me. Since entering the real world it's been hard
to rediscover that. Jumping between discord servers is never the same. I've treasured every little online interaction though, from
comments on my youtube channel to little conversations on RYM to silly linkedin posts. They always make me happy :~)
I'm at dream house right now.
June 27, 2023
Last night i felt a longing that's been ebbing forward for the past six months. I read a blog post by John Maus
about his song "Bennington." Somebody asked him if he still loved the girl from the song, and he responsed with
the full transcript of every email he'd ever sent her. She was a poet who came to a show he played at Bennington
and he instantly fell in love with her and emailed back and forth with her for several months before she stopped
responding. He kept sending her long emails for several years full of poetry and musings on the world though she
rarely responded. This lasted the whole period of the albums "Songs", "Love Is Real", and "We Must Become the Pitiless
Censors of Ourselves"; my favorite albums of his. It makes so much sense, he was longing after her this entire time. The
music and books that I hold dear to myself all come from a a place of deep and hopeless longing; Jens Lekman, Swann's Way,
Chubby Wolf, Modest Mouse, Rocketship, Richard Yates. Really what is there to do but long?
When I'm sad I watch old youtube videos of scene kids and read old blogs. Seeing these distillations of passion
remind me that love is real and fleeting, there are low points in life but these poignant moments can live on forever. That's
what pop music is for, not to tell stories but to perfectly capture an empheral emotion and preserve it
in memory.
This is a section of some old blog I found (and have long since lost the link to) that I copied and have kept in a text file on my desktop since November.
"We cuddled up on the couch, and it was so nice. We would curl up beside each other, and he would place his chin on my head, and comment about how comfy he was. He was just engulfing me with his arms most of the night, and it was so perfect, it seemed like it was made for me! I loved it so much!!! Everytime he moved to touch my hand, or shift a little, I just closed my eyes, and enjoyed the feeling...:)
I am really happy! Every chance I've been getting to wish on a wishing hour, or on a star, or on an eyelash, I've been doing so...well, I can't tell you my wishes but the gists of them were that Sean and I would be together for a long time. *giggle*! I'm such a goober, but I don'tcare!!!"
In July when class ends I want to drive somewhere hot and green where I can see the stars at night.